I'll admit I'm wrong if you would just improve your opinion of what you think of me.

Hey everyone..boring day, it rained, and blah. But who cares, I have more things to talk about than the rain. Well, as most of you know, I've been with my boyfriend since December 27th, of 2004. And yes I'm fkn proud of that! So, get over it. And life has been shaping up to be gheyer than ever without him around. This sucks. But down to the point to this entry. I'm really tired of people being taken from me. Everyone I love, everyone I've loved, I'm really sick of it. I've had let me count 1, 2, 3, 4 four friends die since 2004..Heroin addicts, suicidals, and some with just plain illness. My best friend Ryan, he moved, and now he's in the hospital, because his idiot brother was in a car accident with him in the car. And YESTERDAY my uncle was shot. Twice in fact. He's alive, greatfully. But back to this, my boyfriend lives 2,600+ miles away, all my older friends are so tangled up in their lives, so they think they are too good to talk to me anymore. I'm sick of this. I think I'm better off dead sometimes. Seems to be the new trend these days. Suicide, death, and more death. But I DO in fact have things to live for..my mother, my stepdad, my boyfriend, and my ferret of course. My boyfriend has been really unhappy these past few days, I dunno what to do. What can I do? Nothing, absolutely nothing. It pisses me off. But I guess that's my fault. But I don't regret it, one single bit. I try to make everyone think I'm all happy-doodle, cus I keep all this stuff bottled up. I don't want people to know my problems, to make them depressed over my depression. I just wish there was something I could do to change all this. I wish I would wake up, and all this would be a dream. But it's not. Brittany (Kayla's best friend) has the nerve to say "Even if I do accept your apology, I still don't wanna be friends." Who the hell said I wanted to be friends? See, people get stuff so twistid. And she wants to go around saying I called her and Kayla Lesbians..Yea..Okay we all got mad at each other for nothing, and I wanna call them lesbians. Gosh how stupid. Just Wednesday..They were walking like 8 feet away from me, and Kayla turns around and nudges Brittany in the arm and is all "Look" and Brittany is all *Looks* "I see her, Ewwww cooties!" I mean, come on. That's when I got the nerve to tell her she was stupid. And yea, they don't talk about me, uh huh, sure. You can't trust anyone. I'm highly suprised that all this hasn't caused me to turn to drugs. I'm too good for that. No one understands. People look at me and they think, "Oh yes, that's Nicole, she is one happy-dandy mofo." WRONG! I'm not. Oh by the way. I did get my grubby hands on the new HIM CD. I copied it for my babeh. I hope he'll be happy. All I want is for him to be happy. That's all I care about. I could careless about myself. My world revolves around him. And he knows it, for sure. Okay, now I'm starting to fall asleep just sitting here. I think I can last another 5 mins..I gotta crash on the floor in the living room, because my room was just painted. And it's all fumed in here. Which smells pretty good. So I've been in here all day sniffing it. But mother insists I sleep on the floor in the living room, so in the living room on the floor is where I will sleep tonight. Well, I figured I could last, but i'm not trying before I fall asleep and never get this published, but for now. I'll go. Talk to everyone later. Love always -Nicole